BROTHALUVA CAFE

2012-01-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

What experience will you miss?

Having the universe at your disposal
What is there to possess?

Only the courageous surrender
enough
To receive all the Universe has to offer.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Postcard to the Motherland

2012-01-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

(Chemo #10) "When we are vulnerable is when we are most beautiful." --Amy Duroucher

2012-01-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Dr. King!

2012-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

Self-portrait: The memory of trees

2012-01-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

2nd Anniversary of Haiti's earthquake

2012-01-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

Today marks the two year anniversary of the devastating earthquake that struck Haiti. In the months following the earthquake, I flew to Haiti to volunteer in Medical Relief efforts. Today, I'm spending some time reflecting , praying and still trying to make sense of the aftermath which is still evidenced today. Check out my earlier blog to and read the story of my experiences there. I was very happy and proud to help my people in such a direct and intimate way. This is an experience I will never forget!

Read the blog here: http://brothaluvacafe.blogspot.com/2010/05/medical-mission-to-haiti.html

2012-01-09T17:26:00.001-08:00

CHEMO BRAIN

2012-01-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

According to the American Cancer Society: For years cancer survivors have worried about, joked about, and been frustrated with the mental cloudiness they sometimes notice before, during, and after chemotherapy. Even though its exact cause isn’t always known, this mental fog is commonly called “chemo brain.” Patients have been aware of chemo brain for some time, but only recently have studies been done that could start to explain it.

Doctors have known for years that radiation treatment to the brain could cause problems with thinking and memory. Recently, they have found that chemo is linked to some of the same kinds of problems. (To read more about radiation and its effects, see Understanding Radiation Therapy: A Guide for Patients and Families.) Research has begun to show that some cancer drugs can cause certain kinds of changes in the brain. But it’s also showing that chemo is not the only thing that can cause problems with thinking and memory for people with cancer.

Though the brain usually recovers over time, the sometimes vague yet distressing mental changes cancer patients notice are real, not imagined. They might last a short time, or they might go on for years. These changes can make people unable to go back to their school, work, or social activities, or make it so that it takes a lot of mental effort to do so. They affect everyday life for many people, and more research is needed to help prevent and cope with them.

After my 9th chemo treatment (5a for those in the know), I experienced so much nausea, headaches, and some issues where my brain didn't seem to be functioning correctly. I was "foggy", my memory short, and even my vision blurred. This was a tough treatment session. Nevertheless, I engaged in a activity that I love to (1) Feel good doing something I love, and (2) to capture and depict some of the effects of my chemo brain.

Chemo #9: It's almost over. Just three more treatments to go.

2012-01-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

January 2, 2102

2012-01-02T12:57:00.001-08:00

Happy Haitian Independence Day!

2012-01-01T11:49:00.001-08:00

Independence day in Haiti is an important holiday. We celebrate it on January 1, the same day as New Year's Day.

On January 1, 1804, Haiti, located in the West Indies, made history by being the first Black Country to gain its independence. Haiti's original name was "Ayiti, Quisqueya, Bohio." It was a name given by the original inhabitants who lived there. After Christopher Columbus discovered the Island in 1492, he named it "Hispaniola," meaning "Little Spain," in honor of the Spanish crown. The name changed to "Haiti" meaning mountainous land. It was a name given by the French settlers in the western area.

Toussaint L'Ouverture who is one of the greatest heroes, led his country to victory over French general Le Clerc in a revolution of the slaves. It wasn't only Toussaint L'Ouverture that helped with the victory. There were many other generals, too.

Francois Capois was the leader of the "Bataille de vertiere." Even though they shot his hat off his head, he said, "En avant , En avant."

Many of the generals died by fighting for the independence, Most of them didn't see the first independance day.They were brave and zealous to serve their country and they hoped that one day they would be free.

When the French were in control, they had a law said that they were the only ones who could eat soup because they were in the upper class. The French used to have a custom that only they could eat soup on New Year's Day. Blacks weren't allowed.

Eventually when Haiti proclamed its independence, all Haitians started to eat soup.It was a way to demonstrate that everyone was equal. Since then we keep this custom of eating soup on Independence Day. The soup was a symbol that the French were no longer in control. People didn't like to be treated like slaves and to be told what they could and couldn't do. Cooking and eating the soup on New Year's Day is a way to celebrate freedom.

New Year's Message of Thanks

2011-12-31T08:51:00.000-08:00

As 2011 draws to a close, I pause to give thanks for the many of my global Facebook and Blogger friends and family who I’ve made special connections with, whose support during my journey through cancer has uplifted me and given me added strength to fight. In sharing my plight so publicly, I hope that the lessons I’ve learned and shared have been the just gift for your own hearts and lives to help overcome your own adversity, or impart to others. This year, I’ve learned the valuable lesson in friendship; that this special bond is not based on the material or tangible even, but that which reaches across this medium and touches the heart, caresses the soul, and gives the mind some much due peace.

This year, I have loved and been loved like no other; by my wonderful partner K, my family, my friends and even strangers who have now become part of my extended family. I have become a stronger believer in the human spirit, and trust that whatever it is we need, we receive by sharing openly and honestly. There are always those willing to give of themselves in a true act of HUMANITY.

For all the love I’ve received this year, I hope I’ve been able to return in a way that nurtures the soul and restores hope in humankind. I am so full of gratitude for my friends, my family and even for cancer. Cancer has made me keenly aware of my strength and desire to live a life of giving, for these attributes have not waned, even as I reached my weakest point, only to rise and rise again. Thank you to all of you for giving me your time, your good words, sharing your spirit and your love with me. I am forever thankful and blessed, and I look forward to a healthy, creative, and prosperous New Year for all of us!! Make 2012 the year of WINNING and OVERCOMING all personal battles! AWAKEN to a New YOU!

Which way?

2011-12-27T12:07:00.000-08:00

My spirit has helped me overcome cancer. "Embracing second chances."

2011-12-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

Times Square, NYC Christmas night

2011-12-26T17:47:00.000-08:00

2011-12-26T17:46:00.000-08:00

New York City Greenwich Village, 6th Avenue, looking south at the new World Trade Center Twin Towers rising into the sky.

Happy Kwanzaa!

2011-12-26T08:44:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

PET scan results are in: REMISSION! I'm declared CANCER FREE!!! My grown up Christmas wish came true!!! Thanks for your support!!!

2011-12-23T10:10:00.001-08:00

Half way point--PET scan tomorrow!

2011-12-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning marks a defining moment in my cancer journey. I am set to get a PET scan which will reveal whether or not the 8 chemo treatments I've received so far has worked in ridding myself of cancer cells and shrinking the enlarged lymph nodes in my body. I am praying for an "all clear."
Am I nervous? Yes. But I'm not worried. I believe this whole experience with cancer has served a purpos...e, but it is by no means the end of my story. I look with amazement at all the self-portraits I've created since my diagnosis in July and recognize the guidance and healing contained in each one of them. There is a force greater than me at work, and I know I am protected. Whatever the results reveal tomorrow, it doesn't change the fact that I am a fighter and a winner!

2011-12-19T06:06:00.001-08:00

My thoughts, prayers and heartfelt condolences go out to those who have lost loved ones who fought courageously against cancer. I thought this poem would be appropriate for all those who have experienced the loss of beloved family, friends and acquaintances. As much as we celebrate survivors of cancer, I do realize there is also loss. This time of year always brings up the pain of that loss and ...I want to acknowledge and soothe that pain with a poem shared in my Lymphoma support group. We will continue to keep those we have lost forever in our hearts.

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
... all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Author believed to be
David Romano

2011-12-18T17:02:00.001-08:00

2011-12-16T20:07:00.000-08:00

At chemo#8: battling the beast. knocking cancer on it's ass!

2011-12-16T20:06:00.001-08:00

2011-12-16T08:05:00.001-08:00

Chemo#8--In the bag!

2011-12-16T07:59:00.000-08:00

Chemo#8 in the bag (emesis bag that is! I have sooooo much nausea!

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. Man, and I learning that lesson and so blessed for it!

Light n' Shadow on my mind

2011-12-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

non, je ne regrette rien.

2011-12-09T16:41:00.001-08:00

non, je ne regrette rien.

I have nothing to reconcile,
no regrets and focused on forward
movement.
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
because my life, my joys
TODAY
they begin with me.

2011-12-06T14:56:00.001-08:00

Believing in myself also means that I trust my spirit to comfort and take care of me. When faced with adversity, this is when I rely on the comforts of spirit the most.

Salon break. Washington Heights, NYC

2011-12-03T11:58:00.001-08:00

CurateNYC!

2011-12-02T10:24:00.001-08:00

I'm happy to announce that for the second year in a row my work was selected for CurateNYC, a city wide artist call! Out of over 1500 artists, 150 were selected and I was one of 'em! I was only sorry to miss the reception at RUSH arts gallery in Chelsea last night. Chemo was calling my name...

ABOUT CURATE NYC
New York City is a global arts center, but maintaining that status means cultivating the city's creative talent.

To advance the cause, the New York City Economic Development Corporation and Full Spectrum Experience, Inc. bring you the Second Annual Curate NYC – a showcase for New York City visual artists.

Curate NYC is a juried exhibition and online platform that exists to heighten exposure and opportunities for New York City visual artists. The project also helps promote New York City’s image as a vital cultural hub.

Last year, Curate NYC attracted 1,190 entries in three weeks. All entries were reviewed by a panel of judges, and 150 works were reproduced for exhibition as 11x6” postcards. The opening, held at Rush Arts Gallery + Resource Center in Chelsea, was hosted by NYC Deputy Mayor Robert Steel, NYCEDC president Seth Pinsky, and entertainment/business mogul Russell Simmons.

The website also generated 600,000 hits in three weeks, and positive news in The Huffington Post, The New York Times, The L Magazine, and on The Brian Lehrer Show.

In 2011, Curate NYC will again exhibit postcard reproductions of the top 150 entries selected by our Panel of Judges. We will also feature more entries per artist, and online sales of their work. Guest curators will organize online shows, while live exhibitions will be held at five galleries, one per borough, featuring actual works by Curate NYC artists.

We look forward to seeing you here online, and at Curate NYC exhibitions held across the city.

Your Friends at Full Spectrum,
the New York City Economic Development Corporation,
and Curate NYC

My winning image: "Awakenings"

CONGRATULATIONS to the other artists selected for this great opportunity! Check the link below and see the list and works of all those selected (in alphabetical order).

http://www.curatenyc.org/index.php/section-blog/79-live-exhibitions/413-rush-arts-gallery

Chemo#7

2011-12-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Chemo #7 under the belt,
at the halfway point to healing
and wholeness.
never deterred,
resolved to win
through grace
and dignity.
no surprise here,
i choose to stand
in the light.

On Sickness...

2011-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

A saving grace to me in dealing with cancer is that I’ve been very public about my battle. My job, my friends, my family, and my global Facebook family knows the deal. So if and when I don’t feel well, I miss days or weeks of work, I lose my hair, etc, I really don’t have to explain myself to anyone. In fact, being public about my bout has gotten me generous support that I might not o...therwise have had if I remained quiet and/or reclusive.
Healing for me is all in my approach to dealing with cancer; I can either curse it or embrace everything. Chemotherapy is helping kill the cancer cells, but my creativity is helping me to cope and rise above fear and uncertainty.

Chemotherapy treatment #7 tomorrow—I’m at the halfway point to ridding myself of this dis-ease!

2011-11-25T18:25:00.001-08:00

The light was speaking to me ever so softly...in a hushed whisper.

2011-11-23T15:51:00.001-08:00

Thanks giving dinner for those in need

2011-11-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

You don't have to be ashamed or feel embarrassed. If you need a hot Thanksgiving meal, check your local churches and food banks. If you're Uptown, St. John's Baptist church located on 152nd street b/t St. Nicholas and Amsterdam Avenues will be happy to serve you and your family.

The crossing guard

2011-11-23T15:20:00.001-08:00

Descending from the clouds

2011-11-23T15:17:00.001-08:00

One day in the 'hood

2011-11-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Getting a check up by my doc in between my chemo session. Chemo every other week. Doc's visit on my off weeks.

2011-11-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Not the best picture, but more important than the picture is the message: Listen to your body and believe what's it's saying to you. MEN, PLEASE get regular check-ups whether you're sick or not. It's worth mentioning also that I was mis-diagnosed A YEAR before I got a proper diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which means I very may have had cancer for a whole year before getting diagnosed! I never accepted what the doc was telling me (everything is ok, you only have a minor lung infection which doesn't require treatment), yet my body was telling me otherwise. I listened, changed doctor's and now am getting the proper care that i need. Chemo is a bitch but it may very well be saving my life!

2011-11-21T17:12:00.000-08:00

Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people. Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to all even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive people, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you will become vain and bitter; there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to the virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. ~ Max Ehrma

2011-11-21T16:23:00.001-08:00

“Every moment you get is a gift. Spend it on things that matter. Don’t spend it by dwelling on unhappy things.” ~Unknown

Doctor's building lobby...two flights up to chemo

2011-11-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

Message to me and you

2011-11-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

To give, receive.
be the wet, fertile valley
That rivers of life flow through.
The full will be emptied
The empty, filled.
So be empty, that you may be filled.

The greatest healer shares all
And becomes yet greater.
One who wants to be healed
Must become a healer.
And one who wants to be a healer
Must first seek healing;
Suffering gains meaning only when
healed
And healing is meaningless
Until it is shared.

To receive, give.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

11/11/11 Day after chemo--Seeking healing energy in nature

2011-11-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

(Central Park, NYC)

2nd Avenue Diptych

2011-11-10T18:35:00.001-08:00

Last night's moon

2011-11-10T17:44:00.001-08:00

Checking neutrophil count (Chemo #6)

2011-11-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

Getting my blood drawn before chemo, checking for the neutrophil (White blood cell) count.

When you have Hodgkin's Lymphoma (like me) that has spread to the bone marrow, it's imperative that your white blood cells stay at a normal level. If these numbers dropped, they would leave me susceptible to all sorts of infections. Fortunately, my numbers are good!

Chemotherapy #6--The battle continues

2011-11-09T16:53:00.001-08:00

Staring Into the Face of Adversity

2011-11-07T17:17:00.001-08:00

Harlem Shoe Shine

2011-11-06T09:47:00.001-08:00

2011-11-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

I will use cancer to create art. My creativity will ensure my healing.

2011-11-04T08:10:00.001-07:00

I am not a cancer PATIENT. I am a man living with cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma to be exact. I am being treated with chemotherapy, yet my hair continues to grow and I'm not experiencing many of the harsh side-effects that chemo can induce. I Live, Love and Laugh everyday. Positive thinking and creating art are two major aspects of getting me through this process. There is another side to this dis-ease and that's VICTORY, and I'm claiming it, not because someone told me I would be victorious in this fight, but because I BELIEVE it to be so!

Love on the Uptown A train

2011-11-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this moment!! I was so glad to be at the right place at the right time with my camera!

Inner Light

2011-11-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

2011-11-02T14:52:00.001-07:00

Messages from friends

2011-11-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

"ur my inspiration bro. i love how you're soaring. everytime i get the urge to complain about something that is not right in my life, i think of you and how you manage to hold your faith and to find beauty, courage, grace as portrayed in your images. even in facing such great adversity as cancer, you are not afraid to look him in the eyes, keeping your stance as a fire angel warrior. may ur day be blissfull bro."
--Modupe Olufunmi (Facebook)

Ocean sharing his experience is shinning a light in an area that many people lock down and retreat into themselves as personal and private. By doing so, he is letting everyone know that a person dealing with cancer or any illness affects all those people he knows, and who know him, directly or indirectly; that within the context of a human family and the construct of a village, one person's illness has a direct effect on each of us, and for others like him to know that we all share in the daily struggle, we all feel the pain, and we all are there to support, that each person need not feel alone, ashamed or abandoned.
--Antoine Craigwell (Facebook)

I have always drawn inspiration and great pride from Ocean’s artistry, Now, I draw inspiration and great pride from Ocean’s struggle with cancer and his amazing strength and determination. We, as a community must demonstrate our support for one of our own. Ocean Morisset deserves all of our thoughts, our prayers, our hope and our love. Thanks for this post!
--Stephen Maglott (Facebook)

Doing what I love--the key to healing

2011-11-01T11:12:00.001-07:00

2011-10-30T11:22:00.001-07:00

I never thought I'd have cancer, but now that I do, I will use it to bring out the greatness in me.

Detail self-study/Light & Shadow

2011-10-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

2011-10-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

Morning Meditation (day after chemo)

2011-10-28T07:24:00.001-07:00

MORNING MEDITATION:

The beauty of all existence
Rests within you;
Heaven peers from your two eyes.
Compare yourself to no other,
Watch how quickly the light goes out.

Thus, when you see beauty within
You'll see it without;
As heaven shows
The healer knows.
Unconditional love has no opposite.
This is true balance.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Chemotherapy #5--The Experience

2011-10-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

I can't say I've been looking forward to this chemo session. After my 12 day hospital stay and 4 week recovery combo, it was nice not to feel the effects of chemo on my body. Chemotherapy was put on hold until my fevers went back down to normal, and the abscess on my liver (which is what put me in the hospital) was all cleared up.

I began having anxiety and anticipatory nausea from last night. Just thinking about chemo made me want to wretch. But thanks to a great partner, and so much love and care between us, k was able to talk some sense into me, and make me see all the ways and benefits of my current state of health. I'm forever grateful to Kahlil for being such a solid force in my life. Never before had I felt so "taken care of".

The morning of chemo, I cooked a breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, an english muffin, apple cider and a tangerine. I figured if this was gonna be my only meal a day, I had may as well make it substantial. Post-chemo nausea oftentimes rids me of my appetite, and has me emptying my remaining stomach contents into the bowl in the bathroom. CANCER IS REAL.

My mom, recently up from a six month trip to Haiti and my sister Sandra accompanied me to chemo. Although I was anxious throughout some parts of it, it was pretty much uneventful and went on without a hitch. They brought me lot's of goodies, including a whole Junior's Cheesecake. I usually don;t have the appetite to stomach food while doing chemo, but that cake is sitting in my fridge ready for me to get a serious "munchie". :)

The amazing part of the entire day and experience for me was when I was on my way to chemo via the subway. A homeless, half-crazy looking, near- toothless man began to "read" me by telling me I had a "fullness of life" that he can see all over my face. He proceeded by saying, I "know" things and I "see" things. During the conversation (which went on in a volume which would probably have been more appropriate say at 12 noon in a crowded cafeteria), I learned that the homeless guy, who I recognized as some sort of angel, was born in Harlem Hospital and grew up in North Carolina. For a near-toothless man, he smiled ALOT. He said to me, " you know who you are...you're not like these other boys around here wantin' to become men, as he looked around and scanned the subway car to angry men's faces. The other passengers I observed seemed paralyzed by fear as they avoided eye contact with the angel, thinking maybe they would be "picked" next.

I laughed heartily when the angel told me to "keep all my teeth", but even if they go, "always smile that great smile of yours." As the train roared into my station stop, the Angel's final words to me were, "talk to everybody...talk to the ugliest most derelict person like they're your best friend, and they will always remember you.
I gave the Angel a pound and a grin, and told him "God bless you." He replied by saying "you're a good brother". I got off the train, FEELING the fullness of Life he spoke about. These encounters I believe, are not by random. I took it as a gift I received along the way. Since I was on my way to receive chemo, that made perfect sense.

My nurse told me something funny. This was a true candid moment. I was happy that despite my not wanting to do chemo, that i could still find the space to smile.

Hibiscus--Beauty in decay.

2011-10-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

Intricacies of Nature/Life

2011-10-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

The Tao of Healing

2011-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

You are not weak, but strong.
You are not limited, but unlimited.
You are not unloved, but much beloved.
You have suffered only for this;
That you may bless those who suffer
still.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

2011-10-19T08:52:00.001-07:00

"...the Universe flatters no one,
But merely offers its Life
When you offer your own."
--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Finding My Center

2011-10-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

When going through any challenge in life, it is sometimes difficult to center yourself to achieve peace in the face of adversity. What matters not is how you achieve it, but finally arriving to that place and believing in yourself and higher power. I am happy to be one with myself and my African spirit. A moment of comfort and solace always sought and sometimes difficult to find during trying times.

2011-10-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Photography at this point in my life is helping me to make new discoveries about myself.

2011-10-12T12:11:00.001-07:00

The self is deathless.
Why?
Because life transforms into life,
And love never dies.

A whole person,
Centered in the Self
Has no need to be self-centered
Receiving all from the Self
Returns all
Does not try to own life
And so becomes life.

(Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing)

12 days in the hospital

2011-10-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

I won't say alot about this and will not get into too many details. I didn't even want to revisit the images, some of which i chose not to post. I spent 12 days sick in the hospital. It was the worst experience of my life. Turns out I had a fancy tropical bug from my last visit to Haiti last year. Many tests, and antibiotic treatments revealed the unique bug, and I was able to be treated and now recovering at home with oral meds. This was my first hospitalization and I hope never to have to go through that again! The GREAT news out of all of the this, a CAT SCAN revealed that my cancer is disappearing even after only 4 chemo treatments!!!! I will have to continue the course of chemo but this was definitely welcome news! THANKS to everyone who send me good words, vibes, calls, visits, chants, whike I was in the hospital. it's nice to know i am cared for by so many Thank you, and I am feeling MUCH better!!!

I'm not sure what day this as but I was growing weary and depressed from being in the hospital.

I had very little appetite while in the hospital. I simply couldn't eat, though i tried.

View from my hospital window.

Me, just a few hours ago after a fresh haircut and shave. You did NOT want to see what I looked like after 12 days in the hospital!

INSPIRATION and the profound impact towards healing

2011-09-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

2:30 am. NYC. A soft rain falls outside my windows. I can't sleep because this is on my mind...And I'm "foggy"...:)

I've been blessed to have so many wonderful souls reach out to me to offer prayers, love, support, good energy, spiritual vibes, a beat of a Djembe drum, or a call to the ancestors on my behalf. Whatever your method, style or spiritual belief, I THANK YOU ALL for considering sending me a part of yourselves, even if only through words, and actions from your part of the global consciousness.

I've been struck particularly by the many from around the world (Facebook is an amazing tool in this regard) who find amazement and inspiration through my own journey. What a blessing for us all..

I had been laying in the bed thinking about INSPIRATION and people who SUFFER IN SILENCE. My approach is one of many ways to cope, it's my way, and it's certainly not the right way or the wrong way. There is no script to dealing with adversity. What I do know and have witnessed over the years in my work as a photojournalist and humanitarian, is that many people actually do SUFFER IN SILENCE. This particularly plagues the black community as we are taught to keep "secrets" out of shame, fear, and embarrassment. If cousin Tookie age 13 got pregnant, she was sent away down south to further embrace her shame, until she had the baby or aborted. If Uncle Willie developed AIDS, the pink elephant would be everywhere, crushing people's chest in between helpings of ribs at the summer family reunion. Of course, shame is not a condition solely ascribed to people of color, but I'm just sayin... And if Sister Carlotta from the church had cancer and became symptomatic, she would be prayed for under a watchful eye of concern from the congregation. Stay with me....

Not everyone who develops an ailment has a bright story of championship and LIVING OUT LOUD to share, but still, many do. This is where I think about INSPIRATION. It's humbling to know that many are inspired by my journey, and all the love and support really does help carry me through! "You're an inspiration Ocean." This simple statement brings so much warmth to my heart....

So as I lay in bed between fevers and chills, i ask that anyone reading this REACH out to someone who you know may be SUFFERING IN SILENCE. There are no shortages of ailments going around. We are all afflicted by something; some worse than others. REACHING OUT in the course of my life, LOVING our brothers and sisters, neighbors and even strangers, widens the heart to receive and give and it makes a BIG DIFFERENCE in those people' live's as I can testify to. RIDE THE WAVE OF INSPIRATION to share a kind word, a loving thought, AND YOU RECEIVE IT TEN-FOLD when you need it the most. I can almost guarantee it!

With so much pain and indifference in the world, we ought to nurture that part of us that has the capacity to LOVE in big and small ways, and be TRUE to ourselves and others because WORDS CARRY IMMENSE POWER.

YOU ARE THE PERSON SOMEONE SUFFERING IN SILENCE IS WAITING FOR....

Love, LIGHT AND PEACE to YOU and to EVERYONE!
Ocean

Thoughts about chemo

2011-09-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I HATE chemo!! I can't even believe they call this "medicine", but I refuse to call it "poison", though I understand those (who are going through it) that do. What it does to the body seems like punishment at times. I'm not being negative, and the chemo is expected to rid me of cancer, but I'm just keeping it real and need to get this feeling of anger out of my system. I've been documenting my journey since day one, so I have a duty to include the good, the bad and the ugly. It pains me to even write this. As I read the words, it doesn't even sound like who I am at heart. These words confirm my reality.

This has been a harsh weekend on my system; fatigue, fevers, chills, nausea, a stolen appetite (four slices of raisin bread with peanut butter for protein/energy, a banana and soup), and an overall feeling of malaise. THIS IS NOT ME! If it wasn't for having a great, loving partner and friends who I had an opportunity to spend some time with on Saturday, I'm pretty sure, I would have been in bed the entire weekend. I don't want this reality anymore, I WANT MY DREAMS! My life is slowly having to be reorganized to accommodate chemotherapy effects, and I'm beginning to resent it! Next week, I'm having to take some time off from work to "recover" from side effects. More time to be with my thoughts...

Now, I have not lost sight of my blessings in all this, but I am only human. I understand fully well the horrid side effects that chemo can produce and it really can be A LOT worse. So I do recognize the blessings. But here I am, having completed my fourth chemo session this past Thursday, and can't believe I have at least NINE more to go! No, this is not what I signed up for.

Each day is a new day, and yes, there will be good ones and bad ones. When the good one's come, I will bask in the light, and fully enjoy the good feeling that I've been granted. And even in the face of adversity, I understand that there will be many gifts along the way. I know this, not because anyone told me, but because I believe it!

I just hate chemo and that's my thought of the day!

2011-09-16T08:48:00.001-07:00

CANCER is so limited. IT CANNOT shelter hope, corrode faith, destroy peace, kill friendhips, suppress memories, silence courage, invade the soul, steal eternal life, and it CANNOT conquer the spirit!--Anonymous

Round 4 Chemotherapy --The Experience

2011-09-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

"nausea, Fatigue, Fevers but here's what else...."

i did everything i could to possibly delay my chemotherapy today: woke up later than usual and let baby sleep in also. I made breakfast, slowly sipped a green tea beverage; played with the dog, and watered the plants. my scheduled time for chemo to start at 11am. Today, I didn't finally get hooked up to my infusion till around 1pm!

yeah, my fault for being nervous about receiving today's chemotherapy. I really don't enjoy it, nor do i enjoy having hodgkin's lymphoma, though i'm embracing my new reality more and more everyday, there is still work involved. One thing I've discovered about about having cancer is that it does make me feel vulnerability in ways I never had to confront. And I'm happy to declare that as a man, and most importantly as a black man. Being authentic even in the face of adversity will bring me more peace and light. Hiding will not, so that's the reason why I'm so public with my own story. I NEED TO HEAL.

Earlier in the week, Welsh Actor Andy Whitfield, best known for his title role on the STARZ television series Spartacus. died. When i read the story online, the news soared though me like a spear from the prop department of Spartacus. I couldn't make any sense of my feelings, nor could I even process them. I found myself in conversation with people throughout the day, while this news was still sitting in the foreground of my mind. For a little while, I felt vulnerable.

Even at chemo today, while I was getting pumped with "poison", as a person with cancer sitting with me across from me said. My mind drifted to Andy Whitfield's death. In the days leading up to chemo, my mind had been playing tricks on me with all kinds of visions that were too abstract to decipher. To the woman who called chemo poision, all I could manage was a polite smile. Everyone going through chemotherapy have the right to call chemo poison. Yes, mind can process this, but I choose to visualize light and love washing through my body which is what made me further consider my feelings around Andy Whitfield's death. I thought about my own mortality and grew angry at Cancer. While I don't have the same kind of cancer that Andy had, to die at 39 years of age, AFTER receiving treatment and AFTER being in remission, seems to be a dirty trick to those in the fight. The notion of putting up a good fight , for so long and be considered a "survivor" only for a short period is one that many people with cancer like myself are confused about.

(receiving chemo through my port)

While bag after bag of IV medication was being administered to me, I was able to "snap" out it, and come back to my own reality, my own journey. My life is not Andy's life, and there are many, many lives to touch while I am on this still here. All this wonderful realization came to me today, as I looked at my dad and my partner's faces. They accompany me to chemo, because they love me and care for my well being. I will spend more time reflecting on my blessings and staying on my divine path.

And if NONE of this makes sense, I blame chemo-brain!!!

2011-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

"The force is everywhere and everything seems to be one your mind in perfect communion with nature .. The way to keep your feet rooted in the ground and your eyes that arises in the distance, all that gives this picture an incredible power .." --Patricia Martinez

"Don't deny the diagnosis; try to defy the verdict."

2011-09-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

(Quote by Norman Cousins)

An ode to rain

2011-09-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

still.
listening to the pitter-patter of the hard raindrops
against the wet glass of the large bay windows.
nuts
fall off the trees
a sure sign that autumn is coming.
where is she?
There.
where she waits for you.

Feeling good today!

2011-09-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Photos by Pavan Carter.

Invisible Man

2011-09-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

And I love light. Perhaps you'll think it strange that an invisible man should need light, desire light, love light. But maybe it is exactly because I am invisible. Light confirms my reality, gives birth to my form. --Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man.

What is Hodgkin's Lymphoma?

2011-09-03T06:08:00.001-07:00

Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system, lymphocytes become damaged, they grow & multiply uncontrollably so that the lymph nodes become enlarged, forming painless lumps called tumours. As damaged lymphocytes replace normal ones, the immune system becomes less able to fight infection. It's what I have now, and what i will be rid of as a result of my chemotherapy treatments!

2011-09-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

What NOT to say to a person with cancer...

2011-09-01T17:16:00.001-07:00

In the spirit if Lymphoma Awareness month....

What NOT to say to a person with cancer:

1. Never tell a person with cancer about a relative, or loved one who died of cancer.

2. Never offer (alternative) treatment options, when you know I'm already on treatment. It just confuses things, and my mind is already overflowing with managing my new life with C.

3. When you learn I have Hodgkin's, vs. Non-Hodkin's Lymphoma, don't say "oh, you got the 'good' cancer.' Having cancer is never good.

4. Never say "At least they caught it early." Actually, I was MIS-diagnosed over a year ago, when I was having the very symptoms I got diagnosed with. this means cancer has been in my body, a year and a half before i even got the accurate diagnosis.

5. "I know how you feel." No, you don't. Not unless you've had or currently have cancer.

Here's what you CAN say to a person with cancer:

1. Stories of hope. I have no problem hearing about your friends and family who have had lymphoma, beat it, and are doing great now. That’s helpful.

2. Real, honest, specific offers for help.

3. Sympathy, not pity.

4. Encouragement

5. I love you. This can never be said enough. :)

Nature vs. Nurture? Questioning life through art.

2011-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

September is Lymphoma Awareness Month

2011-09-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

September is Lymphoma awareness month. I never imagined that I would have to necessarily become “aware” of this time of year. Since my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma this past July, I have become aware of many important related events and dates; lymph node biopsy surgery, catheter placement surgery, bone marrow biopsy, chemotherapy appointments, doctor’s follow-up appointments, medication refills, weekly blood-work, etc, etc, etc.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a type of lymphoma, which is a cancer originating from white blood cells called lymphocytes. Each year, there are on average 8,500 new cases of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in the United States. Prognosis is generally good, with effective treatments like chemotherapy and/or radiation treatments. I have received three chemotherapy treatments so far. I have ten more to receive over the course of six months. While I wish I never cancer, or had to receive chemotherapy, I’m grateful that I have access to the treamtments. I won’t call it “poison” as many do. I realize it’s benefits and adverse effects, but it’s important for me to embrace everything, the good and the bad. As long as chemotherapy rids me of cancer cells, I can deal with the rest.

There are good days and not so good one’s on my journey through C. I find myself slowing down a bit, as fatigue is slowly creeping up as a result of me being anemic, due to Hodgkin’s, and also as an adverse effect of chemotherapy. I’m fortunate however that this, along with occasional nausea are the only side-effects I have to deal with at the moment. My hair has not fallen out yet, but I keep it shaved because I expect it to at any given day. By many accounts, including my doctor's, I am a survivor. Many people who receive chemotherapy, even after the first, experience horrible side-effects almost immediately. As I approach my fourth treatment in a couple of weeks, I am fully aware of my blessings. I only hope I continue on this path of success though chemotherapy and cancer.

Lymphoma awareness month-- hmph. I am hyper aware of my resilient spirit—a gift from God, my inner strength, will to live, my determination to remain creative and not let chemo or cancer rob me of the things I enjoy in life. I am aware of all those who are in pain and suffer with and through cancer. I am also aware of those like myself, who fight the good fight, looking forward to the day when we reach the other side of this disease and can fully claim our victory. Lymphoma awareness month makes me aware of all that I am, and all that I have yet to become. When this is all over, I will be a better human being in more ways than I can know now.

sometimes it's just the light...

2011-08-31T15:48:00.000-07:00

Awakenings

2011-08-30T15:12:00.001-07:00

Homage to Photographer Duane Michals.

A Facebook friend had a dream...

2011-08-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

"I had such a strange dream. These pictures you have been posting, they went into a book. It was basically cancer as an art, and if became much needed outlook for "nonpatients" around the world. Those living with cancer or who had briefly courted it....a type of visual therapy. I thought it seemed so fitting, you may enjoy the thoughts my subconscious dreamed up. I'm excited for your journey of life and love the pics." --Rachel May

2011-08-27T10:19:00.001-07:00

Haitian proverb shared with me by my dad while I was frustrated during my last chemo session:

"La patience est ame’re
mais son fruit est doux."

Translation: Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit are sweet.

I love my dad.

2011-08-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

For Mohammad

...so what to do with the power of now?
easing away from what happened yesterday
when life was so carefree and easy to play.
today we are born again
strengthened as men
ready to win all games of life
without strife
only self-preservation
will bring us new revelations
for what tomorrow will bring
Now.

2011-08-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

Meeting my ancestral spirit (self-portrait, cancer series 2011)

When I connect with spirit, I have to become spirt. It's the only way. I have to free myself of all that binds me in the material world to enter the spiritual realm. Conversations with spirit are insightful!!

Round 3 Chemotherapy--The Experience.

2011-08-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

I decided to shoot some self-portraits using my MacBook's Photo Booth camera since I was so bored and tense with the chemotherapy process. I was bored because, getting hooked up to chemo is pretty a mundane experience, but I was tense because I was getting chemo and anticipated old, or new side-effects. My dad and my sister joined me because baby had to go to work today. Their company was great and it did alleviate my tension once they came in about an hour into my treatment.

I was put into a room with a woman who was already being infused and asleep... she looked like she had been that way for a few hours. My family had to wait in the waiting area till this other patient left before they were allowed to coming in the room and chill with me.

All in all, everything went smoothly this time around. I didn't experience any side effects at all that I had experienced in the past; the extreme chills, the nausea, or even extreme fatigue. Four hours into it, I hadn't experienced any nausea or GI upset. This was actually the first treatment that went so completely smooth that I wondered if I got a placebo instead of the real deal. I was pleased. I was even more pleased that I could exercise my creativity with my laptop's camera and shoot self-portrais and continue the ongoing process of documenting myself while on this journey through Cancer.

I FEEL GOOD. I hope to feel just as good, if not better for the next few days where the after-efects of chemo tend to creep up and make me feel miserably sick. I won't focus on that. I will remain in the moment, and enjoy the good feeling of NOW. Today's round 3 chemotherapy really turned out to be great. And because of that, my eyes, heart and spirit are all very clear of my blessings, and the guiding force that protects me. THANK YOU!!!!

The all-powerful chemotherapy drugs in pre-filled syringes ready to be administered to me.

I'm gonna knock cancer's ass out!

A smile always come to my face when I speak with baby on the phone.

My IV tubing being used an important prop for the shot.

The chemotherapy drug Adriamycin is being slowly "pushed" into the IV line.

My catheter is all hooked up in my chest, right over my tattoo, receiving chemotherapy drugs intravenously.

3 CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENTS DOWN, 10 TO GO!!!
(CONTINUE ON through 'older posts' at the bottom, if you're just joining me on my journey...)

Meditation

2011-08-25T03:41:00.001-07:00

I LOVE this!!!

Invictus

2011-08-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

(Invictus by William Ernest Henley ca. 1875 Photo-Self-portrait)

2011-08-21T14:45:00.001-07:00

Sometimes a self-portrait doesn't come out "technically" correct, but the process of creating art as a means of reflection, inspiration, and healing is far from perfect. Self-portraiture allows myself to see ME as I face C. I'm still even getting used to the way I look. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself without my dreadlocks. Still, I feel blessed that after two chemotherapy treatments, my hair has not fallen out (yet). I celebrate this by growing a beard. :)

Today however, I got a haircut and a shave, because while this photo reminds me of how fortunate and blessed I am to still have hair, there are also others who face Cancer and are having a hard time dealing with hair loss as a side effect of chemotherapy. A bald head is a constant reminder of this dis-ease. To many, this may seem trivial, but to those facing cancer, especially women, losing your hair is like losing a part of your identity. Even though my hair is still "growing", I've been shaving it off in solidarity with those in the fight...and I am re-inventing myself in the process.

2011-08-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

The silent quality of my photographs means I'm at peace, not depressed. :) (Self-portrait, cancer series)

I'm seeing Esu, Elegba, here a sort of standing at the crossroads if you will.--Andy Saunders

2011-08-19T14:40:00.001-07:00

I have cancer, but I'm not a victim. There is a force much higher than me at work. I'm just being obedient. (Self-portrait)

Along the journey, deep reflection provides me with fresh insight.

2011-08-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Self-portrait, cancer series August 19, 2011

A slow walk home through Central Park II

2011-08-18T18:00:00.001-07:00

A slow walk home through Central Park

2011-08-18T17:31:00.000-07:00