I never thought I'd have cancer, but now that I do, I will use it to bring out the greatness in me.

Detail self-study/Light & Shadow

Morning Meditation (day after chemo)

MORNING MEDITATION:

The beauty of all existence
Rests within you;
Heaven peers from your two eyes.
Compare yourself to no other,
Watch how quickly the light goes out.

Thus, when you see beauty within
You'll see it without;
As heaven shows
The healer knows.
Unconditional love has no opposite.
This is true balance.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Chemotherapy #5--The Experience

I can't say I've been looking forward to this chemo session. After my 12 day hospital stay and 4 week recovery combo, it was nice not to feel the effects of chemo on my body. Chemotherapy was put on hold until my fevers went back down to normal, and the abscess on my liver (which is what put me in the hospital) was all cleared up.




I began having anxiety and anticipatory nausea from last night. Just thinking about chemo made me want to wretch. But thanks to a great partner, and so much love and care between us, k was able to talk some sense into me, and make me see all the ways and benefits of my current state of health. I'm forever grateful to Kahlil for being such a solid force in my life. Never before had I felt so "taken care of".

The morning of chemo, I cooked a breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, an english muffin, apple cider and a tangerine. I figured if this was gonna be my only meal a day, I had may as well make it substantial. Post-chemo nausea oftentimes rids me of my appetite, and has me emptying my remaining stomach contents into the bowl in the bathroom. CANCER IS REAL.



My mom, recently up from a six month trip to Haiti and my sister Sandra accompanied me to chemo. Although I was anxious throughout some parts of it, it was pretty much uneventful and went on without a hitch. They brought me lot's of goodies, including a whole Junior's Cheesecake. I usually don;t have the appetite to stomach food while doing chemo, but that cake is sitting in my fridge ready for me to get a serious "munchie". :)

The amazing part of the entire day and experience for me was when I was on my way to chemo via the subway. A homeless, half-crazy looking, near- toothless man began to "read" me by telling me I had a "fullness of life" that he can see all over my face. He proceeded by saying, I "know" things and I "see" things. During the conversation (which went on in a volume which would probably have been more appropriate say at 12 noon in a crowded cafeteria), I learned that the homeless guy, who I recognized as some sort of angel, was born in Harlem Hospital and grew up in North Carolina. For a near-toothless man, he smiled ALOT. He said to me, " you know who you are...you're not like these other boys around here wantin' to become men, as he looked around and scanned the subway car to angry men's faces. The other passengers I observed seemed paralyzed by fear as they avoided eye contact with the angel, thinking maybe they would be "picked" next.

I laughed heartily when the angel told me to "keep all my teeth", but even if they go, "always smile that great smile of yours." As the train roared into my station stop, the Angel's final words to me were, "talk to everybody...talk to the ugliest most derelict person like they're your best friend, and they will always remember you.
I gave the Angel a pound and a grin, and told him "God bless you." He replied by saying "you're a good brother". I got off the train, FEELING the fullness of Life he spoke about. These encounters I believe, are not by random. I took it as a gift I received along the way. Since I was on my way to receive chemo, that made perfect sense.


My nurse told me something funny. This was a true candid moment. I was happy that despite my not wanting to do chemo, that i could still find the space to smile.

Hibiscus--Beauty in decay.

Intricacies of Nature/Life

The Tao of Healing

You are not weak, but strong.
You are not limited, but unlimited.
You are not unloved, but much beloved.
You have suffered only for this;
That you may bless those who suffer
still.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

"...the Universe flatters no one,
But merely offers its Life
When you offer your own."
--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Finding My Center

When going through any challenge in life, it is sometimes difficult to center yourself to achieve peace in the face of adversity. What matters not is how you achieve it, but finally arriving to that place and believing in yourself and higher power. I am happy to be one with myself and my African spirit. A moment of comfort and solace always sought and sometimes difficult to find during trying times.

Photography at this point in my life is helping me to make new discoveries about myself.

The self is deathless.
Why?
Because life transforms into life,
And love never dies.

A whole person,
Centered in the Self
Has no need to be self-centered
Receiving all from the Self
Returns all
Does not try to own life
And so becomes life.

(Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing)

12 days in the hospital

I won't say alot about this and will not get into too many details. I didn't even want to revisit the images, some of which i chose not to post. I spent 12 days sick in the hospital. It was the worst experience of my life. Turns out I had a fancy tropical bug from my last visit to Haiti last year. Many tests, and antibiotic treatments revealed the unique bug, and I was able to be treated and now recovering at home with oral meds. This was my first hospitalization and I hope never to have to go through that again! The GREAT news out of all of the this, a CAT SCAN revealed that my cancer is disappearing even after only 4 chemo treatments!!!! I will have to continue the course of chemo but this was definitely welcome news! THANKS to everyone who send me good words, vibes, calls, visits, chants, whike I was in the hospital. it's nice to know i am cared for by so many Thank you, and I am feeling MUCH better!!!




I'm not sure what day this as but I was growing weary and depressed from being in the hospital.




I had very little appetite while in the hospital. I simply couldn't eat, though i tried.


View from my hospital window.







Me, just a few hours ago after a fresh haircut and shave. You did NOT want to see what I looked like after 12 days in the hospital!