I was never one to eat a chicken bone to the marrow. I always got a kick (and still do) of people who eat chicken bones till there is absolutely nothing left.
I thought I'd start with some humor to balance out the anxieties I've been feeling, not so much about the bone marrow biopsy, but of the entire Cancer process as a whole. I've been more emotional these couple of days and I've allowed myself to ride the wave of of emotions through the ocean of uncertainty. I get no warning when a flood of tears of disbelief cloud my eyes and stream down my face. I'm not one who's ashamed of crying or even facing my emotions. Release is the healthy thing to do. In fact, I believe being in touch with my heart has allowed me to love authentically and open myself to love in many forms and serve others in times of need.
Ocean and Sephora, Earthquake Relief, Port-au-Prince, Haiti 2010
But still, I have yet another test tomorrow that brings me one step closer to the new the new reality of my life; the journey towards becoming a cancer SURVIVOR. I'm very familiar with the bone marrow biopsy procedure, and maybe that's the problem--i know too much. A numbing agent will be injected into my hip, and a large needle will go into my bone to pull out a sample of marrow, and blood will also be drawn. This biopsy will yield important results as to the staging of Hodkin's I have and whether or not it has spread to the marrow. I just hope the doc gets what he needs with the first aspiration.
This whole experience seems so surreal. I read back my words and I can't even believe I'm talking about all of this Cancer process in relation to myself. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality, like I've been transplanted in another (hyper) reality.
This afternoon I received a call from the pharmacy, announcing my name, and telling me "your chemo meds are all ready and we'll have them delivered to your doctor's office." I hung the phone up, and took a hard swallow and stared blankly out of my office window, noticing a reflection of myself in the glass. In that instant, i smiled and had a moment of strength. The sun streaming in my window washed my face with hope, strength and even pride for myself. It was an amazing feeling, and even though the feelings have washed through me throughout the day, I am not fearing the bone marrow biopsy. I recognize it as a procedure that brings me one step closer to my beating this! This entire process is difficult, but it's DO-ABLE. I just have to see it in my own reflection.