sometimes it's just the light...

Awakenings

Homage to Photographer Duane Michals.

A Facebook friend had a dream...

"I had such a strange dream. These pictures you have been posting, they went into a book. It was basically cancer as an art, and if became much needed outlook for "nonpatients" around the world. Those living with cancer or who had briefly courted it....a type of visual therapy. I thought it seemed so fitting, you may enjoy the thoughts my subconscious dreamed up. I'm excited for your journey of life and love the pics." --Rachel May

Haitian proverb shared with me by my dad while I was frustrated during my last chemo session:

"La patience est ame’re
mais son fruit est doux."

Translation: Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit are sweet.

I love my dad.

For Mohammad


...so what to do with the power of now?
easing away from what happened yesterday
when life was so carefree and easy to play.
today we are born again
strengthened as men
ready to win all games of life
without strife
only self-preservation
will bring us new revelations
for what tomorrow will bring
Now.

Meeting my ancestral spirit (self-portrait, cancer series 2011)

When I connect with spirit, I have to become spirt. It's the only way. I have to free myself of all that binds me in the material world to enter the spiritual realm. Conversations with spirit are insightful!!

Round 3 Chemotherapy--The Experience.

I decided to shoot some self-portraits using my MacBook's Photo Booth camera since I was so bored and tense with the chemotherapy process. I was bored because, getting hooked up to chemo is pretty a mundane experience, but I was tense because I was getting chemo and anticipated old, or new side-effects. My dad and my sister joined me because baby had to go to work today. Their company was great and it did alleviate my tension once they came in about an hour into my treatment.

I was put into a room with a woman who was already being infused and asleep... she looked like she had been that way for a few hours. My family had to wait in the waiting area till this other patient left before they were allowed to coming in the room and chill with me.

All in all, everything went smoothly this time around. I didn't experience any side effects at all that I had experienced in the past; the extreme chills, the nausea, or even extreme fatigue. Four hours into it, I hadn't experienced any nausea or GI upset. This was actually the first treatment that went so completely smooth that I wondered if I got a placebo instead of the real deal. I was pleased. I was even more pleased that I could exercise my creativity with my laptop's camera and shoot self-portrais and continue the ongoing process of documenting myself while on this journey through Cancer.

I FEEL GOOD. I hope to feel just as good, if not better for the next few days where the after-efects of chemo tend to creep up and make me feel miserably sick. I won't focus on that. I will remain in the moment, and enjoy the good feeling of NOW. Today's round 3 chemotherapy really turned out to be great. And because of that, my eyes, heart and spirit are all very clear of my blessings, and the guiding force that protects me. THANK YOU!!!!



The all-powerful chemotherapy drugs in pre-filled syringes ready to be administered to me.

I'm gonna knock cancer's ass out!



A smile always come to my face when I speak with baby on the phone.




My IV tubing being used an important prop for the shot.





The chemotherapy drug Adriamycin is being slowly "pushed" into the IV line.

My catheter is all hooked up in my chest, right over my tattoo, receiving chemotherapy drugs intravenously.





3 CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENTS DOWN, 10 TO GO!!!
(CONTINUE ON through 'older posts' at the bottom, if you're just joining me on my journey...)

Meditation

I LOVE this!!!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

(Invictus by William Ernest Henley ca. 1875 Photo-Self-portrait)

Sometimes a self-portrait doesn't come out "technically" correct, but the process of creating art as a means of reflection, inspiration, and healing is far from perfect. Self-portraiture allows myself to see ME as I face C. I'm still even getting used to the way I look. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself without my dreadlocks. Still, I feel blessed that after two chemotherapy treatments, my hair has not fallen out (yet). I celebrate this by growing a beard. :)

Today however, I got a haircut and a shave, because while this photo reminds me of how fortunate and blessed I am to still have hair, there are also others who face Cancer and are having a hard time dealing with hair loss as a side effect of chemotherapy. A bald head is a constant reminder of this dis-ease. To many, this may seem trivial, but to those facing cancer, especially women, losing your hair is like losing a part of your identity. Even though my hair is still "growing", I've been shaving it off in solidarity with those in the fight...and I am re-inventing myself in the process.

The silent quality of my photographs means I'm at peace, not depressed. :) (Self-portrait, cancer series)


I'm seeing Esu, Elegba, here a sort of standing at the crossroads if you will.--Andy Saunders

I have cancer, but I'm not a victim. There is a force much higher than me at work. I'm just being obedient. (Self-portrait)

Along the journey, deep reflection provides me with fresh insight.

Self-portrait, cancer series August 19, 2011

A slow walk home through Central Park II

A slow walk home through Central Park