Thursday, September 15, 2011

Round 4 Chemotherapy --The Experience

"nausea, Fatigue, Fevers but here's what else...."

i did everything i could to possibly delay my chemotherapy today: woke up later than usual and let baby sleep in also. I made breakfast, slowly sipped a green tea beverage; played with the dog, and watered the plants. my scheduled time for chemo to start at 11am. Today, I didn't finally get hooked up to my infusion till around 1pm!

yeah, my fault for being nervous about receiving today's chemotherapy. I really don't enjoy it, nor do i enjoy having hodgkin's lymphoma, though i'm embracing my new reality more and more everyday, there is still work involved. One thing I've discovered about about having cancer is that it does make me feel vulnerability in ways I never had to confront. And I'm happy to declare that as a man, and most importantly as a black man. Being authentic even in the face of adversity will bring me more peace and light. Hiding will not, so that's the reason why I'm so public with my own story. I NEED TO HEAL.

Earlier in the week, Welsh Actor Andy Whitfield, best known for his title role on the STARZ television series Spartacus. died. When i read the story online, the news soared though me like a spear from the prop department of Spartacus. I couldn't make any sense of my feelings, nor could I even process them. I found myself in conversation with people throughout the day, while this news was still sitting in the foreground of my mind. For a little while, I felt vulnerable.

Even at chemo today, while I was getting pumped with "poison", as a person with cancer sitting with me across from me said. My mind drifted to Andy Whitfield's death. In the days leading up to chemo, my mind had been playing tricks on me with all kinds of visions that were too abstract to decipher. To the woman who called chemo poision, all I could manage was a polite smile. Everyone going through chemotherapy have the right to call chemo poison. Yes, mind can process this, but I choose to visualize light and love washing through my body which is what made me further consider my feelings around Andy Whitfield's death. I thought about my own mortality and grew angry at Cancer. While I don't have the same kind of cancer that Andy had, to die at 39 years of age, AFTER receiving treatment and AFTER being in remission, seems to be a dirty trick to those in the fight. The notion of putting up a good fight , for so long and be considered a "survivor" only for a short period is one that many people with cancer like myself are confused about.

(receiving chemo through my port)

While bag after bag of IV medication was being administered to me, I was able to "snap" out it, and come back to my own reality, my own journey. My life is not Andy's life, and there are many, many lives to touch while I am on this still here. All this wonderful realization came to me today, as I looked at my dad and my partner's faces. They accompany me to chemo, because they love me and care for my well being. I will spend more time reflecting on my blessings and staying on my divine path.

And if NONE of this makes sense, I blame chemo-brain!!!


thegayte-keeper said...

Recently lost a dear friend to cancer. PULLING FOR YOU!

Ocean Morisset said...

thanks and sorry for your loss