I HATE chemo!! I can't even believe they call this "medicine", but I refuse to call it "poison", though I understand those (who are going through it) that do. What it does to the body seems like punishment at times. I'm not being negative, and the chemo is expected to rid me of cancer, but I'm just keeping it real and need to get this feeling of anger out of my system. I've been documenting my journey since day one, so I have a duty to include the good, the bad and the ugly. It pains me to even write this. As I read the words, it doesn't even sound like who I am at heart. These words confirm my reality.
This has been a harsh weekend on my system; fatigue, fevers, chills, nausea, a stolen appetite (four slices of raisin bread with peanut butter for protein/energy, a banana and soup), and an overall feeling of malaise. THIS IS NOT ME! If it wasn't for having a great, loving partner and friends who I had an opportunity to spend some time with on Saturday, I'm pretty sure, I would have been in bed the entire weekend. I don't want this reality anymore, I WANT MY DREAMS! My life is slowly having to be reorganized to accommodate chemotherapy effects, and I'm beginning to resent it! Next week, I'm having to take some time off from work to "recover" from side effects. More time to be with my thoughts...
Now, I have not lost sight of my blessings in all this, but I am only human. I understand fully well the horrid side effects that chemo can produce and it really can be A LOT worse. So I do recognize the blessings. But here I am, having completed my fourth chemo session this past Thursday, and can't believe I have at least NINE more to go! No, this is not what I signed up for.
Each day is a new day, and yes, there will be good ones and bad ones. When the good one's come, I will bask in the light, and fully enjoy the good feeling that I've been granted. And even in the face of adversity, I understand that there will be many gifts along the way. I know this, not because anyone told me, but because I believe it!
I just hate chemo and that's my thought of the day!