I never thought I'd have cancer, but now that I do, I will use it to bring out the greatness in me.

Detail self-study/Light & Shadow

Morning Meditation (day after chemo)

MORNING MEDITATION:

The beauty of all existence
Rests within you;
Heaven peers from your two eyes.
Compare yourself to no other,
Watch how quickly the light goes out.

Thus, when you see beauty within
You'll see it without;
As heaven shows
The healer knows.
Unconditional love has no opposite.
This is true balance.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Chemotherapy #5--The Experience

I can't say I've been looking forward to this chemo session. After my 12 day hospital stay and 4 week recovery combo, it was nice not to feel the effects of chemo on my body. Chemotherapy was put on hold until my fevers went back down to normal, and the abscess on my liver (which is what put me in the hospital) was all cleared up.




I began having anxiety and anticipatory nausea from last night. Just thinking about chemo made me want to wretch. But thanks to a great partner, and so much love and care between us, k was able to talk some sense into me, and make me see all the ways and benefits of my current state of health. I'm forever grateful to Kahlil for being such a solid force in my life. Never before had I felt so "taken care of".

The morning of chemo, I cooked a breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, an english muffin, apple cider and a tangerine. I figured if this was gonna be my only meal a day, I had may as well make it substantial. Post-chemo nausea oftentimes rids me of my appetite, and has me emptying my remaining stomach contents into the bowl in the bathroom. CANCER IS REAL.



My mom, recently up from a six month trip to Haiti and my sister Sandra accompanied me to chemo. Although I was anxious throughout some parts of it, it was pretty much uneventful and went on without a hitch. They brought me lot's of goodies, including a whole Junior's Cheesecake. I usually don;t have the appetite to stomach food while doing chemo, but that cake is sitting in my fridge ready for me to get a serious "munchie". :)

The amazing part of the entire day and experience for me was when I was on my way to chemo via the subway. A homeless, half-crazy looking, near- toothless man began to "read" me by telling me I had a "fullness of life" that he can see all over my face. He proceeded by saying, I "know" things and I "see" things. During the conversation (which went on in a volume which would probably have been more appropriate say at 12 noon in a crowded cafeteria), I learned that the homeless guy, who I recognized as some sort of angel, was born in Harlem Hospital and grew up in North Carolina. For a near-toothless man, he smiled ALOT. He said to me, " you know who you are...you're not like these other boys around here wantin' to become men, as he looked around and scanned the subway car to angry men's faces. The other passengers I observed seemed paralyzed by fear as they avoided eye contact with the angel, thinking maybe they would be "picked" next.

I laughed heartily when the angel told me to "keep all my teeth", but even if they go, "always smile that great smile of yours." As the train roared into my station stop, the Angel's final words to me were, "talk to everybody...talk to the ugliest most derelict person like they're your best friend, and they will always remember you.
I gave the Angel a pound and a grin, and told him "God bless you." He replied by saying "you're a good brother". I got off the train, FEELING the fullness of Life he spoke about. These encounters I believe, are not by random. I took it as a gift I received along the way. Since I was on my way to receive chemo, that made perfect sense.


My nurse told me something funny. This was a true candid moment. I was happy that despite my not wanting to do chemo, that i could still find the space to smile.

Hibiscus--Beauty in decay.

Intricacies of Nature/Life

The Tao of Healing

You are not weak, but strong.
You are not limited, but unlimited.
You are not unloved, but much beloved.
You have suffered only for this;
That you may bless those who suffer
still.

--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

"...the Universe flatters no one,
But merely offers its Life
When you offer your own."
--Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Finding My Center

When going through any challenge in life, it is sometimes difficult to center yourself to achieve peace in the face of adversity. What matters not is how you achieve it, but finally arriving to that place and believing in yourself and higher power. I am happy to be one with myself and my African spirit. A moment of comfort and solace always sought and sometimes difficult to find during trying times.

Photography at this point in my life is helping me to make new discoveries about myself.

The self is deathless.
Why?
Because life transforms into life,
And love never dies.

A whole person,
Centered in the Self
Has no need to be self-centered
Receiving all from the Self
Returns all
Does not try to own life
And so becomes life.

(Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing)

12 days in the hospital

I won't say alot about this and will not get into too many details. I didn't even want to revisit the images, some of which i chose not to post. I spent 12 days sick in the hospital. It was the worst experience of my life. Turns out I had a fancy tropical bug from my last visit to Haiti last year. Many tests, and antibiotic treatments revealed the unique bug, and I was able to be treated and now recovering at home with oral meds. This was my first hospitalization and I hope never to have to go through that again! The GREAT news out of all of the this, a CAT SCAN revealed that my cancer is disappearing even after only 4 chemo treatments!!!! I will have to continue the course of chemo but this was definitely welcome news! THANKS to everyone who send me good words, vibes, calls, visits, chants, whike I was in the hospital. it's nice to know i am cared for by so many Thank you, and I am feeling MUCH better!!!




I'm not sure what day this as but I was growing weary and depressed from being in the hospital.




I had very little appetite while in the hospital. I simply couldn't eat, though i tried.


View from my hospital window.







Me, just a few hours ago after a fresh haircut and shave. You did NOT want to see what I looked like after 12 days in the hospital!

INSPIRATION and the profound impact towards healing

2:30 am. NYC. A soft rain falls outside my windows. I can't sleep because this is on my mind...And I'm "foggy"...:)

I've been blessed to have so many wonderful souls reach out to me to offer prayers, love, support, good energy, spiritual vibes, a beat of a Djembe drum, or a call to the ancestors on my behalf. Whatever your method, style or spiritual belief, I THANK YOU ALL for considering sending me a part of yourselves, even if only through words, and actions from your part of the global consciousness.

I've been struck particularly by the many from around the world (Facebook is an amazing tool in this regard) who find amazement and inspiration through my own journey. What a blessing for us all..

I had been laying in the bed thinking about INSPIRATION and people who SUFFER IN SILENCE. My approach is one of many ways to cope, it's my way, and it's certainly not the right way or the wrong way. There is no script to dealing with adversity. What I do know and have witnessed over the years in my work as a photojournalist and humanitarian, is that many people actually do SUFFER IN SILENCE. This particularly plagues the black community as we are taught to keep "secrets" out of shame, fear, and embarrassment. If cousin Tookie age 13 got pregnant, she was sent away down south to further embrace her shame, until she had the baby or aborted. If Uncle Willie developed AIDS, the pink elephant would be everywhere, crushing people's chest in between helpings of ribs at the summer family reunion. Of course, shame is not a condition solely ascribed to people of color, but I'm just sayin... And if Sister Carlotta from the church had cancer and became symptomatic, she would be prayed for under a watchful eye of concern from the congregation. Stay with me....

Not everyone who develops an ailment has a bright story of championship and LIVING OUT LOUD to share, but still, many do. This is where I think about INSPIRATION. It's humbling to know that many are inspired by my journey, and all the love and support really does help carry me through! "You're an inspiration Ocean." This simple statement brings so much warmth to my heart....

So as I lay in bed between fevers and chills, i ask that anyone reading this REACH out to someone who you know may be SUFFERING IN SILENCE. There are no shortages of ailments going around. We are all afflicted by something; some worse than others. REACHING OUT in the course of my life, LOVING our brothers and sisters, neighbors and even strangers, widens the heart to receive and give and it makes a BIG DIFFERENCE in those people' live's as I can testify to. RIDE THE WAVE OF INSPIRATION to share a kind word, a loving thought, AND YOU RECEIVE IT TEN-FOLD when you need it the most. I can almost guarantee it!

With so much pain and indifference in the world, we ought to nurture that part of us that has the capacity to LOVE in big and small ways, and be TRUE to ourselves and others because WORDS CARRY IMMENSE POWER.

YOU ARE THE PERSON SOMEONE SUFFERING IN SILENCE IS WAITING FOR....



Love, LIGHT AND PEACE to YOU and to EVERYONE!
Ocean

Thoughts about chemo

I HATE chemo!! I can't even believe they call this "medicine", but I refuse to call it "poison", though I understand those (who are going through it) that do. What it does to the body seems like punishment at times. I'm not being negative, and the chemo is expected to rid me of cancer, but I'm just keeping it real and need to get this feeling of anger out of my system. I've been documenting my journey since day one, so I have a duty to include the good, the bad and the ugly. It pains me to even write this. As I read the words, it doesn't even sound like who I am at heart. These words confirm my reality.

This has been a harsh weekend on my system; fatigue, fevers, chills, nausea, a stolen appetite (four slices of raisin bread with peanut butter for protein/energy, a banana and soup), and an overall feeling of malaise. THIS IS NOT ME! If it wasn't for having a great, loving partner and friends who I had an opportunity to spend some time with on Saturday, I'm pretty sure, I would have been in bed the entire weekend. I don't want this reality anymore, I WANT MY DREAMS! My life is slowly having to be reorganized to accommodate chemotherapy effects, and I'm beginning to resent it! Next week, I'm having to take some time off from work to "recover" from side effects. More time to be with my thoughts...

Now, I have not lost sight of my blessings in all this, but I am only human. I understand fully well the horrid side effects that chemo can produce and it really can be A LOT worse. So I do recognize the blessings. But here I am, having completed my fourth chemo session this past Thursday, and can't believe I have at least NINE more to go! No, this is not what I signed up for.

Each day is a new day, and yes, there will be good ones and bad ones. When the good one's come, I will bask in the light, and fully enjoy the good feeling that I've been granted. And even in the face of adversity, I understand that there will be many gifts along the way. I know this, not because anyone told me, but because I believe it!

I just hate chemo and that's my thought of the day!

CANCER is so limited. IT CANNOT shelter hope, corrode faith, destroy peace, kill friendhips, suppress memories, silence courage, invade the soul, steal eternal life, and it CANNOT conquer the spirit!--Anonymous

Round 4 Chemotherapy --The Experience

"nausea, Fatigue, Fevers but here's what else...."

i did everything i could to possibly delay my chemotherapy today: woke up later than usual and let baby sleep in also. I made breakfast, slowly sipped a green tea beverage; played with the dog, and watered the plants. my scheduled time for chemo to start at 11am. Today, I didn't finally get hooked up to my infusion till around 1pm!

yeah, my fault for being nervous about receiving today's chemotherapy. I really don't enjoy it, nor do i enjoy having hodgkin's lymphoma, though i'm embracing my new reality more and more everyday, there is still work involved. One thing I've discovered about about having cancer is that it does make me feel vulnerability in ways I never had to confront. And I'm happy to declare that as a man, and most importantly as a black man. Being authentic even in the face of adversity will bring me more peace and light. Hiding will not, so that's the reason why I'm so public with my own story. I NEED TO HEAL.

Earlier in the week, Welsh Actor Andy Whitfield, best known for his title role on the STARZ television series Spartacus. died. When i read the story online, the news soared though me like a spear from the prop department of Spartacus. I couldn't make any sense of my feelings, nor could I even process them. I found myself in conversation with people throughout the day, while this news was still sitting in the foreground of my mind. For a little while, I felt vulnerable.

Even at chemo today, while I was getting pumped with "poison", as a person with cancer sitting with me across from me said. My mind drifted to Andy Whitfield's death. In the days leading up to chemo, my mind had been playing tricks on me with all kinds of visions that were too abstract to decipher. To the woman who called chemo poision, all I could manage was a polite smile. Everyone going through chemotherapy have the right to call chemo poison. Yes, mind can process this, but I choose to visualize light and love washing through my body which is what made me further consider my feelings around Andy Whitfield's death. I thought about my own mortality and grew angry at Cancer. While I don't have the same kind of cancer that Andy had, to die at 39 years of age, AFTER receiving treatment and AFTER being in remission, seems to be a dirty trick to those in the fight. The notion of putting up a good fight , for so long and be considered a "survivor" only for a short period is one that many people with cancer like myself are confused about.


(receiving chemo through my port)


While bag after bag of IV medication was being administered to me, I was able to "snap" out it, and come back to my own reality, my own journey. My life is not Andy's life, and there are many, many lives to touch while I am on this still here. All this wonderful realization came to me today, as I looked at my dad and my partner's faces. They accompany me to chemo, because they love me and care for my well being. I will spend more time reflecting on my blessings and staying on my divine path.



And if NONE of this makes sense, I blame chemo-brain!!!

"The force is everywhere and everything seems to be one your mind in perfect communion with nature .. The way to keep your feet rooted in the ground and your eyes that arises in the distance, all that gives this picture an incredible power .." --Patricia Martinez

"Don't deny the diagnosis; try to defy the verdict."

(Quote by Norman Cousins)

An ode to rain

still.
listening to the pitter-patter of the hard raindrops
against the wet glass of the large bay windows.
nuts
fall off the trees
a sure sign that autumn is coming.
where is she?
There.
where she waits for you.