I thought I'd start with some humor to balance out the anxieties I've been feeling, not so much about the bone marrow biopsy, but of the entire Cancer process as a whole. I've been more emotional these couple of days and I've allowed myself to ride the wave of of emotions through the ocean of uncertainty. I get no warning when a flood of tears of disbelief cloud my eyes and stream down my face. I'm not one who's ashamed of crying or even facing my emotions. Release is the healthy thing to do. In fact, I believe being in touch with my heart has allowed me to love authentically and open myself to love in many forms and serve others in times of need.
Ocean and Sephora, Earthquake Relief, Port-au-Prince, Haiti 2010
But still, I have yet another test tomorrow that brings me one step closer to the new the new reality of my life; the journey towards becoming a cancer SURVIVOR. I'm very familiar with the bone marrow biopsy procedure, and maybe that's the problem--i know too much. A numbing agent will be injected into my hip, and a large needle will go into my bone to pull out a sample of marrow, and blood will also be drawn. This biopsy will yield important results as to the staging of Hodkin's I have and whether or not it has spread to the marrow. I just hope the doc gets what he needs with the first aspiration.
This whole experience seems so surreal. I read back my words and I can't even believe I'm talking about all of this Cancer process in relation to myself. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality, like I've been transplanted in another (hyper) reality.
This afternoon I received a call from the pharmacy, announcing my name, and telling me "your chemo meds are all ready and we'll have them delivered to your doctor's office." I hung the phone up, and took a hard swallow and stared blankly out of my office window, noticing a reflection of myself in the glass. In that instant, i smiled and had a moment of strength. The sun streaming in my window washed my face with hope, strength and even pride for myself. It was an amazing feeling, and even though the feelings have washed through me throughout the day, I am not fearing the bone marrow biopsy. I recognize it as a procedure that brings me one step closer to my beating this! This entire process is difficult, but it's DO-ABLE. I just have to see it in my own reflection.
3 comments:
I applaud you Ocean for your strength, you looked this demon in the eye who charged at you unexpectedly while your guards were down and tried to break you. I applaud you for your tenacity, early on you've made the choice to get through this AND Victoriously, never allowing the grief or enormity of this illness to convince you otherwise. You continue to be an inspiration. You've wowed me with your art and your poetry, and now I am wowed by the the man (Ocean) who takes what fate has placed upon him and uses it still in some way to encourage and inspire.
Your art touches and enspires many. You've made lots of
friends through your work. You will make even more friends as you go thtough this. I believe you will undoubtedly become a better person. I know you thrive to do so regularly. I do want to applaud you also for those who will become better because you've shared these most intimate details and emotions helping to make a difference even as you fight your fight.
Stay strong, stay positive and thank you! I love you Ocean!
Maggie,
thank you so much for your warm and encouraging comment posted here. It's not easy, but I have to do what I have to do. Thank you for always believing in me and my work and your constant support. There aren't enough words to express my deep gratitude and appreciation. You are in my heart.
Love,
Ocean
It is truely awe inspiring hearing you going through this process with such reality and hope...Facing the future with such hope and allowing us on your journey with you, fears and all..
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